Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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