my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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