Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
