me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
