Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
