I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
