He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
