Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
