She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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