My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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