woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
