Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
