she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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