life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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