I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
