My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
