im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
