I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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