If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
