genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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