She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
