you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
