I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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