Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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