so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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