well I can't set my house on fire every night
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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