i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
