I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
