Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
