A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
being pregnant is like rehab
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
