I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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