i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
