You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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