You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
