I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
