fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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