Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
