I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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