I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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