Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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