WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
