Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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