My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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