I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
