I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
