Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
