I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
