sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
