me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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