It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
