I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
