he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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