I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
